


We were afraid together

by HelloBerrie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fear, Friendship, Hogwarts Era, James Potter - Freeform, Jilly Ship, Lily Potter - Freeform, Love, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, POV James, Post-Hogwarts, War, Wizarding Wars, Wizarding World, jilly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 02:51:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13988916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloBerrie/pseuds/HelloBerrie
Summary: This is about a lot of things, but mostly James’ thoughts and recollections of his life up until the moment Lily told him she was pregnant.  I hope you enjoy.





	We were afraid together

Nobody knew this, I hadn’t told anyone for a long time but I was afraid of many things as a child. I was afraid of the shadows inside the wardrobe in my bedroom. The middle door never fully closed and at night it would stare at me threateningly. I was a child and had a very wild imagination. I was strangely afraid of our house elf, called Loof. He was very old and somewhat grumpy. I never tried to ask him anything and often I would ask Mama to give the order for me. When my father became ill with some strange disease one year before I went to Hogwarts I became afraid of losing my parents. They weren’t young when they had me and I suddenly became very much aware of their mortality. For a ten year old boy, this was terrifying. Then, when it was time for me to go to Hogwarts. And I was afraid of not being able to get into Gryffindor, the house that my parents had been in and spoke with so much pride and fondness.  
Of course, with time some fears became less and less consequential. I did get sorted into Gryffindor and I found some the best people I could have ever imagined in my life. I made spectacular friends. I gained three brothers at Hogwarts. But as some fears disappear in time, some arise. Some are small, others are so paralysing, so strong, that their weight threaten to crush you under them.  
The fear that I had for Sirius every time he went home for holidays. Being reckless and stupid as Sirius was, he would do something to upset his parents and then they would cut him off from his friends the entire duration of the holiday. Summers were a nightmare and every September he came to Hogwarts a shadow of what he was. Every time he was thinner, paler, quieter. It usually took two weeks to get him back to his mischievous self.  
Then, when we found out about Remus’ - furry little problem, let’s put it that way, I became afraid for him. We all did. We all saw what the full moon would to him. He would turn weak, quiet, without appetite. He would close himself off inside the library under the excuse of some sort of paperwork he had to finish. It didn’t take us very long to stop believing his lies and start making him company in those days. The lot of trouble we got ourselves into with Miss Pince because of that. But at least we would see his smile during those days. Every single full moon that passed he would come back a shadow of himself, with gashes all over his body, severe weakness. Remus wasn’t a very strongly built person already and the full moon drained him every month. It tore something in my heart to see him like that. And to not being able to do anything about it. We couldn’t take his place. I believe that if there had been a way to take his place during the transformation, to take the pain away, we would have done it without a moment of hesitation. The best thing we found to help him, was to make him company also when he became a wolf. There were no smiles during those nights, but at least Remus wouldn’t mutilate himself. We could distract him enough. And he would smile plenty on the weeks after the full moon. All three of us made sure he had a good time. That he lived a little. Maybe that was why Sirius and I were so adamant in our pranks. Most of the time, a pile of pots and pan, charmed into a clumsy humanoid clown, would get a five minute long laughing fit from Remus. It didn’t hurt that other people like it too. We tried to be as creative as possible and sometimes, though very reluctantly, Remus would give his input. Those were always the best pranks. Remus would disagree, of course.  
When things stared to get darker outside of Hogwarts, we were in fifth year. The Daily Prophet would report on families that disappeared, only to appear a few days later, tortured to death. It would report on protests against Muggle-borns being allowed at Hogwarts and Ministry jobs. We would watch this unfold in the safe, shielded place that was our youth, and we started to become afraid. Of where it would all lead to. The rumours about a certain megalomaniac psychopath, whose name had never been heard before, rising in influence didn’t do anything to calm the community’s nerves.  
At Hogwarts we could feel this darkness seeping into its walls. The talk among Slytherins about blood purity, the constant bullying they would perform against muggle-born children, the bias and prejudice that was clear even in some professors.  
I saw what it did to many people. I saw the way those Slytherins behaved. Even some Ravenclaws. How they claimed to be so superior, so intelligent, so much more powerful than any muggle-born or half-blood could ever hope to be. What complete rubbish. Not one of those pricks were at the top of the classes, some in fact, were completely abysmal at DADA, Transfiguration, Charms. Where was their superiority?  
One thing I was never afraid of was confrontation. Not once I backed out from a fight. And during times like these, there were no shortage of fights I would get myself into. Sirius was partly to blame. It was 50/50. The git was physically unable to keep his mouth shut and what did you want me to do? Let him go into battle alone? I couldn’t do that. We were brothers, we had each other’s backs. At least we weren’t the ones preaching blood purity and cursing first year muggle-borns in the hallways at night.  
There was one night during our sixth year when Peter and I were studying late in the Common Room, finishing an assignment for Potions. We were both pants at it and sadly Remus had gone on his Prefect patrols with Lily. Sirius was in detention again. The Common Room was empty, having practically everybody gone to bed already, so it was just me and Peter, when the portrait open, giving passage to Lily and Remus, holding a bleeding second year called Maggie. A muggle-born. I got up and asked what had happened. The girl was crying softly, probably exhausted. “She was ambushed on her way out of the library. We found her during patrol. They called themselves Death Eaters.” Whispered Lily with her eyes filled with tears. She looked furious. I didn’t know what I felt to be honest. There was this bitterness in my chest that made me want to vomit. I wanted to run out of the room and go after those slimy, disgusting pricks. I wanted to hug that poor little girl and make sure that never happened to anyone again. I did only one of those things. The next weeks, the whole Gryffindor house was mobilised to walk in pairs. First years, second years and third years would always be accompanied by older students. Soon Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw did the same. It didn’t stop the attacks but at least the children weren’t alone.  
In my anger towards the blood purists I was also scared. They were gaining power. Most of the kids that claimed to belong to the pureblood gang, the Death Eaters, were sons and daughters of old powerful families. Their families held seats at the Wizengamot, they had vast numbers of vaults in Gringotts, filled with riches and treasures. Even socially they were influential. They were families like Sirius’s. Like the Malfoys, the Lestranges. Until others started to join. Of course it wasn’t practical to just accept purebloods. There weren’t that many going around, even though that status was still very much valued in a lot of circles. Some of them had to be half-bloods. The vast majority were Slytherins. I knew some of them. I had been forced to play with some on social parties, before Hogwarts. I knew their parents. And they were powerful. Worse than that. They were power hungry.  
In my last year of Hogwarts I gained another fear. The fear of losing the love of my life. Lily and I had so many fights because of the war. When Dumbledore reached us to join the Order I didn’t want her to join. Why couldn’t she let me protect her dammit? Didn’t she realise that I couldn’t afford to lose her? Of course Lily wouldn’t hear of it. Stubborn witch. I suppose I didn’t fall in love with her or her meekness.  
Lily was…Lily was the first and last woman I loved. She was the first star that shone in the sky. The first time we went out together, in Hogsmeade, it was on her birthday, which luckily had been a Sunday. It was freezing cold and we fought all the way to the Three Broomsticks. “It’s too cold Potter!” “Well Evans you invited me so it’s kinda your fault!” “How is the weather my fault James?” “Then why are you complaining to me Lily?” We always fought when we were nervous, which I admit, was almost all the time. It was frustrating, tiring but so, so worth it. By the time the date had finished we had kissed twice and on the next day we made it official. And dating her was the best thing in my life. She had this ridiculous habit of biting my earlobes. Quite hard sometimes. She would stay awake with me until ungodly hours just to force me to do my homework because “I will not date a boy who is failing classes Potter, so you better get a good grade.” As if I wasn’t the best student both in DADA and Charms. Sometimes I thought she didn’t appreciate me enough. Then she would give me cakes, hot chocolate and sweet kisses, and I knew she appreciated me more than enough. Probably too much.  
It was harder outside of Hogwarts. Despite her excellent results on her N.E.W.T.S., there weren’t many people willing to give her a job or an apprenticeship. St. Mungo’s refused her application twice, The Ministry regretted to inform that there were no vacant positions in the Department of Mysteries, nor on any higher department. They suggested she’d try the Mail Department. After weeks of getting the same answers, she settled for a job at Flourish and Blotts. In the back, sorting shipments and dealing with the finances. Everytime she came home she looked like a completely different person. She was quieter than usual, she was tired and she was demoralised. The first four months after our graduation were very complicated for us. Lily was tired and resentful, I was restless and unsure.  
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t experience things like her. As a wealthy pureblood, I had doors opened everywhere, I got offers for the position of chaser on three Quidditch teams, I was offered an apprenticeship on Curse Breaking at the Ministry. And even if that hadn’t been the case, I knew that as soon as they’d get my application I would have been accepted. And I didn’t have the urgency she had. Even though I didn’t like depending on my parents for money, I knew that it was there should anything happen. Lily didn’t have that comfort. As soon as she finished Hogwarts her sister made sure she was no longer part of her family and her parents had no choice but to comply. Petunia was the daughter they spent more time with, she was the daughter they knew. And they weren’t as young and strong willed as one would have hoped. So Lily had no back up if she didn’t work. Well of course she had me, I wouldn’t let my own girlfriend in need, but I knew and respected her pride. It didn’t make things easier but it made me love her even more, as cheesy as that sounds.  
Life was fairly chaotic around that time. The Daily Prophet kept reporting disappearances and assassinations of muggle-borns and everyone was on edge. People didn’t talk anymore in the streets, they didn’t stay long outside either. Diagon Alley in that summer was very different. Children wouldn’t play outside anymore, there were less street musicians playing and people wouldn’t look each other in the eye, not even to greet acquaintances.  
I remember the day we finally decided to join the Order. The day started like any other, Lily and I went off to work and only saw each other at the end of the day. It was the usual routine. I had finished the paperwork on the Dark Artefacts that had been confiscated that day and stopped by Flourish and Blotts to pick Lily up. Usually I had to wait a bit before she was ready but I didn’t mind looking at her work and sometimes, when I was feeling particularly magnanimous, I would help her clean up the shop. Which was practically every day, otherwise there was no shagging later. “Oh that won’t do Miss Evans. What will you do without me to give you pleasure?” I’d said, the first time she threatened me with celibacy. She laughed and moved her hand suggestively. “It would give me more pleasure than you.” Oh that was a low blow but I let it pass.  
That night we were walking hastily to the Apparition Point, whispering between ourselves when suddenly we heard a scream. We looked around until we saw on the opposite direction of where we were going, a young man lying on the street, crawling in our direction. His leg was in a strange position and bleeding profusely. He was shouting, crying for help but he didn’t see us. “Please, somebody help me! Death –“Then there was a green light and he stopped moving. I could feel Lily shaking next to me, with her wand out. I knew we had to get out of there as soon as possible so we ran. We ran to the Apparition Point as fast as we could. The last thing we heard was “Morsmodre”.  
For what seemed like an eternity we stood in front of our house in silence, completely shocked. And at that moment I wasn’t just afraid. I was terrified. I was…All the news we read on the Daily Prophet, all the changes we saw in people’s behaviour, all the laws against muggle-borns, werewolves and second class creatures, all the things that made us know that evil was rising didn’t prepare us for actually seeing it happen in front of our very own eyes. And I hated myself. I hated them. I hated the world. I hated being eighteen years old and not being able to enjoy being eighteen years old. I hated being forced to see murder. To watch someone’s life end so abruptly. So cruelly. And I didn’t do anything. I ran. In all my Gryffindor bravery I didn’t stand up and defended someone who needed help. For the first time, I backed up from a fight. I was a coward. His eyes. Even in the dim lighted street I could see his eyes. I had never seen terror like that. And I did nothing. I ran.  
That night there wasn’t a banter about who would make dinner. Dinner didn’t even cross our minds. Of course not. Our stomachs were tied in a million knots. Our throats were closed. Our limbs were numb. We didn’t speak until we were in bed, holding each other as if our lives depended on it. As if we were still in that street and the only way the Death Eaters wouldn’t see us was if we held on to each other. “James.” “Lily.” “It’s time to join.” I whispered not trusting my voice to not break. “Yes.”  
It’s funny how when you’re a child all you want to do is grow up. I wanted be a grown up. I wanted to stay up late. I wanted to try wine. I wanted to stay with the adults at parties. I wanted to go to Hogwarts. I wanted to ride dragons. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to marry and have a family. I wanted to have an important job. I wanted to be a Quidditch player. I envied my parents for being able to do things I couldn’t do. And then, in bed with the love of my life, I wished I was a child again, in my mother’s lap, hiding my face on her chest. I wished my biggest fear still was the shadows on the wardrobe of my bedroom. But I wasn’t a child anymore. I tried to delay it as long as I could. Growing up. I tried to keep the delusion that I could live my life as if the world didn’t matter. As if it didn’t affect us. I had thought that I could live with Lily, in blissful ignorance. I knew it would eventually end, it was a doomed project from the start. But I hoped. I hoped it wouldn’t affect us. Joining the Order was one of the hardest decisions we ever made but we weren’t children anymore. We had a monster to face. We had evil to fight.  
Two months later we were married. It was the happiest day of my life. It was a Saturday and Lily had gotten a day off from her job. We grabbed our closest friends and my parents, and headed to the Ministry. It had been scheduled to start at three pm but as usual, Sirius and Remus arrived late for whatever reason I did not want to know. Sirius looked way too smug to be truly apologetic. But he was the best man so it couldn’t go on without him. Even if they had taken hours to show up I wouldn’t have done this without them there.  
And Lily was… Lily was the first and last woman I loved. She was the first star that shone in the sky. And my wife. Lily James Potter. My wife. Truly. In that moment I feared nothing. I was the luckiest man on earth. After years on pining for this wonderful red headed food stealer, she was mine. And I was hers. We truly belonged together and there was nothing in the world that would drive us apart. But at the same time I feared so much. I feared losing her in this war. I feared not being able to protect her. But most of all, I feared disappointing her. That she would wake up one day and realise that she didn’t love me after all. Even though I was sure she loved me. I feared it was all a dream. But I was happy.  
Coincidentally that was when things started to get darker. Shortly after our wedding my parents fell ill with dragon pox and in a week I was preparing their funerals.  
As a child I was afraid of losing them. I was completely aware that they wouldn’t live forever, that they weren’t as invincible as other children might think of their parents. But I was young and when you’re young you don’t think things with depth, you avoid thoughts you don’t like. You don’t want to think about the prospect of being alone. And when you do think it, you don’t really take it into consideration. Until you’re forced to. You’re never old enough to lose your parents. To them you’ll always be a child. And you’ll always feel like a child with them. No matter if you’re thirty or thirteen. And when I held my mother’s hand when she…I never felt so old and so small at the same time. There weren’t really words to describe it. The feeling of being orphan was like… And it was so abrupt. My consolation was that they wouldn’t have to endure each other’s loss. By the time my mother was dead, my father was already unconscious and drifting off too. They died with a day of difference. After the funeral Sirius and I went flying in his motorcycle. I never saw Sirius cry like he did that night.  
Being in the Order became a full time job, so Lily and I quit our jobs that summer. The missions for the Order were exhausting. Retrieve this from that place, spy on that person for who knew how long, protect this house, fight in this or that confrontation. And people kept dying.  
And then the worst happened. Or the best. I admit that at first I thought it was the end of the world. How on earth would we, two young adults, in the middle of a war, quite literally at the centre of it, raise a child? We could barely protect ourselves, let alone a small baby?  
When Lily told me it was a mess, like everything else. For days she wouldn’t look at me, she would barely speak more than two words in the same sentence. She wouldn’t eat and at night I could feel her toss and turn restlessly. I had set in my mind to confront her about what was the matter but I was sent away on a mission and only saw her two months later. Not once in her rare letters she told me. For two months I thought she had fed up with me, she didn’t love me anymore. That she would leave me. Until the night I finished the mission.  
Instead of going straight home I headed to the Order’s Headquarters, which had been my parents’ house, left to the Order in their will, and gave my report. I was tired, sombre and all I wanted was a drink. I was reluctant to go home. Lily was there and I knew I wanted to avoid the moment she would finish everything with me as much as I could. So I stayed there and dragged myself to the library where I knew there was a bottle of fine Firewhiskey hidden. I grabbed the drink and sat on my father’s old chair next to the fireplace. I didn’t know what to do. Lily was everything to me, I couldn’t afford to lose her. If there was a way to keep her… When I woke up, the first thing I saw were a pair of green eyes. And my wife’s face, both sad and angry. “You idiot. You absolute idiot.” She said, paying no regard to the way that I flinched with the sound. There was a reason I didn’t drink often. I hated the hangovers. “You come back last night and you didn’t even deign to warn your wife? Do you know how much I worried these two months? And when Dumbledore sent me a message saying that my husband was back safe and sound but had decided to stay in the headquarters instead of going home?” Her voice rose gradually until she by the time she finished her rant she was standing up in front of me, flushed with anger and tears in her eyes. I felt like the worst scoundrel in the world and fell in love with her for the billionth time. That reaction had been more than I got from my wife even before I went away. As much as I hated the impact of her voice in my head, I couldn’t help but feel happy that she still cared enough to be angry with me. “I’m sorry.”  
That didn’t seem to calm her. If anything it made it worse. She started shouting and I couldn’t concentrate for the most part until she said the one thing that I didn’t expect to hear.  
“What?”  
“You hear me! I need to know that we’re in this together James! You can’t leave me alone anymore! How will I raise a child without you?” Her tears were running freely through her face. She looked at me in shock as if she had said something she didn’t want to say, and then her legs collapsed. Lily hid her face on her hands and she cried like I had never seen her cry. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry James. I didn’t mean, I’m sorry.” Her words came muffled through her hands.  
I looked at her completely paralysed. A child. A baby. She was… “Fuck.” In two months of going over every little thing that could justify Lily’s recent behaviour, not once a baby had crossed my mind. I didn’t know how to react. What on earth? How… A baby. A child. Our child. Lily’s and my child. And suddenly everything made sense. The mood, the restlessness, the even shorter temper than usual. It made sense. And I felt stupid for not seeing it before.  
“I did wonder why you looked so fat.” I said, kneeling in front of her with an unsure smile. My voice was shaky. I didn’t mean for it to be shaky. But she looked up and she smiled through her tears. “Fuck off Potter.”  
I was completely absolutely, irrevocably terrified. But I was going to be a dad. And being terrified was ok.


End file.
